Wow, This Dried-Up Alien Has Us All Saying 'OMG, Me AF'
I am making us talk about this. Plus, Drew Barrymore.
What the hell is this, Mexico?
“Omg, me when I forget to moisturize.”
“Omg, me when I hit the bong too hard.”
“Omg, me when I wake up at night without my Stanley Quencher H2.0 FlowState™ Tumbler full of cold, crisp ice water on my bedside table.”
Sure, 100 percent.
But it’s also an alleged “alien corpse” that some so-called UFO experts wheeled into Mexico’s Congress this week during a hearing on extraterrestrials.
“Wasn’t there another one?” you might be asking.
Yes, and the experts claim it was pregnant. Haha, gross!
Look, Mexico, I get it. Everyone is hyped about UFOs and aliens right now and you just want to be included. You want in on all all the sweet, sweet extraterrestrial action.
Maybe you thought it was time to gain a little more respect from the United States, which everyone knows is the No. 1 Destination for All Intergalactic Tourists. Maybe you thought you could entice some of America’s precious space visitors with your world-class cuisine, breathtaking beaches, and fascinating ancient ruins.
That’s a fair assumption since our beaches are usually full of rip currents and goatee’d men with full-back tribal tattoos, and since we destroy anything more than 80 years old1 to build those apartment buildings with the cute li’l retail shops on the ground floor.
But it’s going to take much more than some papier-mâché, a sprinkling of dust, and an American Girl Doll-sized casket to convince the world, though I do appreciate you proving that UFOs are for more than just white people whose phones are tapped by the government.
And now, some disorganized thoughts about the shriveled, granny-apple-doll-looking monstrosity (sorry in advance):
Me when I go more than a couple hours without a little treat
The New York Times: The dried-up alien’s dirt is a warning from battleground states. Will Biden heed it?
Fox News: LIVE - Trump on Mexico Alien: ‘See, I Told You’
NBC: TODAY Show Hour Four: Mud Masks and Margs with the Mexico Alien
How long until a gay man calls this thing “mother” or “iconic”2
Good luck with your nightmares, everyone.
The ‘astute humility’ of Drew Barrymore
Actor and host Drew Barrymore announced this week a decision to bring back her eponymous daytime talk show despite ongoing, concurrent strikes by two of the largest entertainment industry unions, the Writers Guild of America (WGA) and the Screen Actors Guild (SAG-AFTRA).
(If you need a reminder of the reasons these unionized workers are taking this action, here you go. I should note I am a former member of SAG-AFTRA.)
Barrymore was not the only one to make such a move: HBO host and stalwart of Resist Mom culture Bill Maher said he would also return to his program, Real Time, and audio-visual wallpaper shows The Talk and The Jennifer Hudson Show are also expected to come back for new seasons.
Following this news, fans and entertainment industry workers became understandably upset. The National Book Foundation rescinded its invitation for Barrymore to host its upcoming award ceremony. That seems like a reasonable consequence, considering that Barrymore’s decision could very well affect what’s happening at the bargaining table and morale on the picket lines.
Barrymore has worked in Hollywood for her entire life, practically. She should know better than to cross picket lines. And she probably does, which makes the statement she posted to Instagram even more confounding. Barrymore neither offers an apology nor admits any wrongdoing in her post. Instead, in two paragraphs of word salad, she offers a meandering, borderline unintelligible defense of her choice.
I have included it below.
I made a choice to walk away from the MTV, film and television awards because I was the host and it had a direct conflict with what the strike was dealing with which was studios, streamers, film, and television. It was also in the first week of the strike and so I did what I thought was the appropriate thing at the time to stand in solidarity with the writers. And to be clear, our talk show actually wrapped on April 20th so we never had to shut down the show. However, I am also making the choice to come back for the first time in this strike for our show, that may have my name on it but this is bigger than just me.
I own this choice. We are in compliance with not discussing or promoting film and television that is struck of any kind. We launched live in a global pandemic. Our show was built for sensitive times and has only functioned through what the real world is going through in real time. I want to be there to provide what writers do so well, which is a way to bring us together or help us make sense of the human experience. I hope for a resolve for everyone as soon as possible. We have navigated difficult times since we first came on air. And so I take a step forward to start season 4 once again with an astute humility.
Sigh. Let’s unpack this (overlooking, as much as possible, the absolute train wreck of grammar and usage that makes obvious why professional writers are necessary).
Barrymore wants a pat on the back, a cookie, and a “good for you” for her decision earlier this year to walk away from her job hosting the MTV Movie & TV Awards. At that time, she made the choice to stand in solidarity with striking writers and actors. Now she seems to be saying “I’ve already done something once. Why do I need to do it again?”
Equally frustrating is Barrymore’s acknowledgement that the strike is about television. Does she know where her daytime talk show airs? (It’s on the television, Ms. Barrymore! It’s on the damn TV!) It’s giving delusional.
“I own this choice.” Does she, though? The act of claiming responsibility is much, much different than actually taking responsibility and embracing accountability. Most people, when accepting consequences for their actions and attempting to right previous wrongs, understand they need to open their ears rather than defend themselves.
“I want to be there to provide what writers do so well.” Girlboss, what writers do so well is write, and right now, the writers are on strike, therefore they are not writing! It doesn’t matter that you are creating an opportunity if no one can take it. Union-represented writers will not be available to help out with your show (unless they are scabs and never want to work in the industry again, which, yes, can be an actual consequence of performing struck work).
“I hope for a resolve for everyone as soon as possible.” Ma’am, this is not the moment for “Can’t everyone just get along?” Hollywood studios have so much money — like boatloads of it — yet they still want to pay and treat workers poorly because they are greedy. Yes, we should absolutely want the strikes to end, especially since striking workers face immense financial pressures — pressures the studios hope will cause them to cave and accept less than they deserve. But this whole scenario doesn’t feel very “Kumbaya” to me, so please don’t try to hold my hand and sing.
“And so I take a step forward to start season 4 once again with an astute humility.” I don’t know what “astute humility” means because it’s just two words crammed together in a woo-woo attempt to sound ethical, but I found not a single iota of humility in what Barrymore wrote. It’s just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo intended to justify her actions to a broader public that likely doesn’t understand (or care about) the ins and outs of these strikes.
The whole damn point of solidarity is to stick together. Being a union member sometimes means setting aside your ego and individual wants to build something better for others, for people whose power only exists in a collective. Maybe that’s difficult for Barrymore to understand given her nepo-baby upbringing.
Still, she could try a little harder.
Some housekeeping
A new publishing schedule is comin’ to town. Starting next week, All the Glittering Details will publish twice a week, Tuesdays and Fridays. Expect shorter-form pieces on Tuesdays and essays, reportage, and fiction on Fridays. This is still sort of an experiment, so pack a spirit of playfulness and exploration. Publishing on a regular schedule is a critical part of my strategy to grow to 250 subscribers by the end of 2023.
Second, you might have noticed the new artwork. My talented, funny, and hot friend (let this be a PSA: tell your friends they’re hot!) Ben Haist drew my portrait and designed all the assets you see. He fully understood the assignment, just like he fully understands most of my unhinged text messages and Instagram meme DMs. Love you, Ben — you nailed this!
Last but not least, if you know someone who might enjoy my writing, please share this Substack. Personal recommendations mean so much, and there is some exciting content on the way that I am looking forward to sharing soon.
With the exception of U.S. Senators, Representatives, and candidates for President
She is both. Also, she is a legend and the moment.