Five ways to make your Home Depot 12-foot skeleton feel at home

A simple instructional guide from your friends at The Home Depot

Hello, and congratulations on your new Home Depot 12-foot skeleton!

We at The Home Depot, Inc. know you have been patiently awaiting the arrival of your beloved new family member, and we can help. That’s basically our motto.

As you prepare to welcome your skeleton home — and as your neighbors turn green with envy — our in-house 12-foot skeleton experts would like to extend some simple tips and handy tricks to ease the transition.

1. Give them space

The pain of existence is enough to send anyone into a dissociative episode. Now imagine you’ve been awakened from death’s peaceful, eternal slumber, plucked from your cozy underground casket, and assigned to a random, middle-class suburban family in a cookie-cutter neighborhood. Spooky!

Not only will your skeleton be coping with the extreme discomfort of reanimation, they will also have to accept their new height: 12 feet. Our highly trained team of skeleton stretchers has taken delicate care during the OSHA-approved bone-lengthening process, but suddenly towering over everyone and almost everything is sure to require an adjustment period.

We at The Home Depot, Inc. advise against comments such as “How’s the weather up there, big guy?” or “Wow, did you play for the WNBA?” Failure to heed this guidance may result in death by crushing, liquefaction, or ancient curses.

We recommend spreading a warm blanket on your front lawn, offering your skeleton a platter of saltine crackers and softened, unsalted butter, and a glass of Blue Raspberry Lemonade Kool-Aid with exactly 13 ice cubes (or, alternatively, plenty of pellet ice from your nearest Sonic Drive-In restaurant).

Let them rest. Though they will be physically unable to sleep, they may find solace in terrorizing stray cats or the Richardson family at the end of the cul-de-sac.

2. Affirm their identity

As much as we at The Home Depot, Inc. prize traditional family structures and gender roles, we have no way of knowing the sex of your 12-foot skeleton; therefore, we suggest using gender-neutral pronouns they, them, and theirs.

Alternatively, our research indicates that all skeletons answer to Your Undeadliness. Try that instead!

3. Invite them to all family holiday celebrations

This includes family barbecues, birthdays, and ladies’ book club meetings. Skeletons, as our researchers have informed us, are highly sensitive creatures prone to extreme jealousy. (We at The Home Depot, Inc. are not liable for any damages incurred to any property or persons as a result of skeleton rage. See full terms and conditions for details.)

Your Home Depot 12-foot skeleton features opposable joints and limbs, meaning they can fully participate in a range of activities. Skeletons love to celebrate holidays, and that love extends far beyond the Halloween season!

Try decorating your skeleton with a Santa Claus hat, or giving them their own small plastic reindeer to nurture and care for. You could also place a menorah in their hands, or perhaps a dreidel, or even something Kwanzaa-related, whatever that might be.

And don’t forget other holidays like Valentine’s Day (pose them with Cupid’s bow and arrow), Easter (smear a chocolate bunny on their face), Memorial Day (give them an American flag and a loaded AR-15), and even Indigenous People’s Day (buy them a copy of How to be Anti-Racist by Ibram X. Kendi).

Be sure to snap photos and tag us on social media with #MyHomeDepot12FootSkeleton.

4. Introduce Them to The Boss

All skeletons play the tenor saxophone (not included), and all skeletons are American, which means they love Bruce Springsteen and his heartland-rock jams.

Coordinate a play date between your skeleton and Bruce, but don’t be surprised if they leave your front yard to join him on tour! Who knows — maybe you’ll score free tickets!

5. Discard your other children

The Home Depot 12-foot skeleton is all you need, and as we have previously mentioned, skeletons are jealous creatures. Our skeleton experts suggest depositing any other children you may have in your possession into the nearest waste receptacle.

Yes, it is a sacrifice. But think of what your Home Depot 12-foot skeleton has sacrificed in order to join your family.

Plus, look at this way: the pain of discarding your biological children will pale in comparison to the pain of the undead’s wrath.

Happy Halloween!